Valour
Beautiful flowers
laid in memory
for beautiful souls
once vibrant,
folk like me and you,
just ordinary.
Regimented wreaths
laid for the valiant
brave men and women
of land, sea and air,
you’re saluted with
emotion, so ardent.
We thank you in
silence, with a prayer.
I love the end line - a powerful poem
ReplyDeletesilence and a prayer is a beautiful tribute to them...
ReplyDeleteUntimely death of the youths break heart & more so if it's for the political cause. Beautifully put.
ReplyDeleteYour premise puts me in mind of John Donne, who said 'every man's death diminishes me'. It is good to pause to reflect on lives lost, but not to become obsessed with deaths of others.
ReplyDeleteThis is a fine tribute to those heroes who have lost their lives. If you are looking for constructive critique - perhaps consider finding a synonym for one of the 'beautifuls' rather than using it twice in such quick succession.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. Yes I agree and shall take that on board.
DeleteA tribute from my side to those sacrifices.
ReplyDeleteFunny that I read this as a tribute to the ordinary people on front lines of our culture wars, fighting for justice and the environment etc, before I realized it was probably for military soldiers and realized that heroes are in all walks of life.
ReplyDeleteHi Colleen, thank you for your comments, much appreciate. You are right in your thoughts, the 1st stanza for those in our civilian and emergency services and the rest for those in the military.
DeleteI think it's shaping up beautifully. I don't think you need either 'so'; they weaken the following words.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rosemary, for your valued critique, I see where you are coming from.
DeleteNo critique possible, for this is just lovely, Julian. I admire the tone of reverence for those who so deserve to be honoured.
ReplyDeleteVery kind of you, Sherry and thank you.
DeleteThis is coming together nicely. Look for redundancies. Condense if possible.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rene. Your critque is much appreciated and I shall evaluate all in the next day or so.
DeleteThis seems perfect to me, sometimes, less is more.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Annell.
DeleteI also love it as is....keep it or add to it up to you.... such reverence felt in your special words for those who sacrificed everything.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Donna, I'm glad you liked it.
DeleteA powerful poem. I might suggest replacing the first "Beautiful" with a different adjective, sinced beautiful is used in the next line.
ReplyDeletethank you for your valued critique
DeleteAmen.
ReplyDeleteZQ
This is lovely and tender. The tone is very appropriate.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'm pleased you enjoyed it.
Deletea grand gesture of appreciation
ReplyDeleteHave a good Sunday Julian
much love...
I would get rid of the so in the second to last line, and the a in the last line.
DeleteElizabeth
wow! I'm touched by your spirit. So respectable and honorable. Good luck on this piece my friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteThis is an excellent place to start, Julian, and should you add/change no more it will serve admirably. Their sacrifice moves us into silence and prayer.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful piece. I really can't imagine what could be added or improved upon. Often, I think, in poems expressing gratitude and/or loss: less is more.
ReplyDeleteA powerful and lovely poem.
ReplyDeleteI like how you started off with noting their "ordinariness" and then go on to salute them for extraordinary valor. As others have said, watch for redundancies. Also try reading it out loud to yourself. See if it feels like there is something that needs to be added or refined.
ReplyDeleteHi Rommy, thank you for stopping by and for your valued critque.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful and touching tribute..!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rommy about the 'ordinariness' becoming extraordinary valour. The rhyme scheme and sentiment are spot on, Julian. I especially like the 'regimented wreaths'. I wonder if you could think of a more striking and original title for an expression of gratitude, as there are quite a few poems entitled 'In Memoriam' or 'In Memory'. Perhaps 'Not So Ordinary' or 'Extraordinary Valour'. Just a thought. :)
ReplyDeleteYes Kim, you're right about the title, I was not happy with this one from the outset and I shall have to put my thinking cap on....again! Thank you for your constructive critque, much appreciated.
DeleteIt is more of a tragedy when they are nameless and unsung in most instances. They sacrificed out of their conscience and much less for glory. These should be included as otherwise their noble deeds are not known. Great theme Julian!
ReplyDeleteHank
This invocation is powerful in its simplicity. I personally like the repetition of "beautiful" and particularly "so ardent." I thought both verses were addressing soldiers/military and appreciate the recognition of ordinariness (and youth!) right next to bravery. The bravery does come later.
ReplyDeleteThe tone of this is so reverent - a most appropriate tribute - to all of our heroes.
ReplyDeleteSimple yet eloquently said.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful tribute!
ReplyDeleteThis is really beautiful.
ReplyDelete